I have been having a crappy couple of days. My finals are all this week and I had a jury this morning which means I play in front of all the music teachers and they judge me and give me a grade for the semester based on a couple of songs and scales that they pick. Well let's just say I tanked. I mean it was horrible. My scales were bad at least. I didn't even play the right amount of notes. Then I thought the piece went ok but appearantly not. They told me to put more emotion into it. I HATE THAT SONG! And I hate it even more because my teachers made me feel like I suck at it.
On top of all of this, I am having a really hard time adjusting to Danny being gone all over again. I hate waiting for emails, not being able to hear his voice, praying he is online when I am signing on so we can IM each other. And it is hard not to think about him because I work with this girl who's reserve Marine fiance just left for California to do training to go to Iraq and she is constantly saying, "I miss Tim, I miss Tim." She was just text messaging him and he calls her everyday. I mean I feel for her that he is gone, but really. She makes me so mad. I am sitting there trying not to think about my situation and she doesn't stop talking about Iraq. Her fiance is only going to be there for a couple of months, I try to tell her that she should realize she is luckier than some, but that doesn't sink in for her. I guess this makes me a b%*@! for not sympathizing for her situation but I just can't bring myself to feel sorry for her that her fiance is in CALIFORNIA! And she gets to talk to him all the time. But oh wait there's more....
I also just found out from my friend of 5 years, that he doesn't want to talk. That really upset me. I won't even get into the reasons why.
I guess I sound like a conceited little brat right now but this is just how I am feeling. I miss Danny so much. I am an emotional wreck. I think people can tell that I am depressed too. People ask me how I am doing and I grunt an answer and they say something like you miss him don't you, and I break down crying. The other day a girl from my orchestra kissed her boyfriend who came to see the concert and that brought me to tears. This is almost worse than when he first left. I am once again in this zombie state where I only smile if something funny happens, I don't talk much, and I just sit there. Like a constant daydream. Just zoning out. I feel a little better just writing all of this. Well I have one question, does that make me a you know what for not feeling sorry for her like everyone else does? Anyway I have to go write 2 commentary papers, a 5 page research paper and study for my final tomorrow.